| Re: waiting time [message #21133 is a reply to message #21132 ] |
Tue, 06 October 2009 09:12   |
 cdpviola
Messages: 10
Registered: September 2009 |
Junior Member |
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Hi everyone!
Yes, it is definitely frustrating when someone makes a mistake and it affects you deeply and personally. I am very sorry this happens, but it does happen from time to time in life, regardless of the scenario. I can also relate to being less willing change APQ preferences in regards to drug usage. I am going to share our story with you regarding our choices for both drug usage and medical history. Please do not think that I am judging anyone's choices or suggesting that someone changes theirs, I just want to be able to share with everyone how we were able to make our decisions purely for helping build upon this knowledge base.
When my husband and I talked about our APQ, we talked multiple times about this area in particular and have continued to talk about it. In our case, my husband is a teacher and he has had to work with students who have been drug exposed prior to birth. There are certain drugs that do impair cognitive learning skills and while it does not always affect every child, those skills are impaired more frequently in children who have been drug exposed. Although, I personally ascribe to the belief that much of it is based upon what happens after the birth and the home environment. (This is why we have continued to talk about it. LOL!)
When thinking about it, we did some research on marijuana usage and that one drug seems to have the same effect on children as does smoking and we have to accept smoking as a criteria as it is a requirement by American Adoptions even though if I were the one who was able to give birth, I would do neither. Also, with alcohol usage, I tried to put myself in the shoes of the mother, if I was pregnant and did not know I was pregnant for a couple of months, and I happen to drink a couple glasses of wine about once a month, what category would I fall in? So, monthly would be the answer... It also made a lot of sense to accept the idea that a woman who is pregnant and the pregnancy is not planned would be diagnosed as clinically depressed. Women that are clinically depressed that receive medical attention are often prescribed anti-depressant medications while under a doctor's care. This is not usually a group of pills people self-medicate on and is something taken daily- since many of them really only work well if taken daily. So, considering the circumstances that we presented ourselves, this made our APQ open up a little bit. After we continued to talk about our APQ, my husband spoke to several counselors regarding our choices and they agreed that these drugs in the amounts we specified would have little to no effect on a child and are good choices. Please don't just take my word for it, though. Check the facts out so that an informed decision can be made.
In regards to medical history, we looked at the form and checked off every box that would relate to us and our family-- as if the child we were looking at was biological. Now, in our families, that means almost every box is checked off! I don't think this is necessarily true in every family, but it just so happens that we have a rather extensive medical history on both sides of our family. (Trust me, it's not fun to have that gene pool!) But, both my husband and I are relatively healthy adults (he does have asthma and a food allergy and I have a food allergy, infertility issues and my cholesterol is a couple points higher than we would like it and so is my blood pressure, but no serious problems- knock on wood) and we accept the fact the there are medical issues we will have to be concerned with (cancer, diabetes, auto-immune disorders, high blood pressure, glaucoma, mental illness, etc, etc) because they run in our families. Both my husband and I had mild developmental issues as children- my husband's was a speech issue (but now he is a teacher and speaks in public all the time) and mine was a hearing issue (I am a professional musician). If we had a child, they would have the same extensive medical history as we do, so how could we not open our home to a child who potentially has the same issues? Most adoptees don't have any medical history to rely upon, at least if we as future parents know where the dangers lie, most of the disorders/medical conditions are treatable or preventable. It is important to remember that people are not necessarily defined by their medical history-- they are affected by it, but not defined by it. Also a medical history does not guarantee that a child will or will not specifically develop a condition or illness, it just raises the possibility that it will happen. For instance, my sister and mother both have auto-immune disorders, but I don't.
By being realistic with our expectations regarding our APQ, my husband and I are receiving above average exposure. The amount of exposure is all we have to help the adoption process move more swiftly. The more people who see a profile means more chances of being picked. It does not, however, guarantee we will be picked quickly (and trust me, I wish it did), or guarantee that someone else with a less open APQ won't be picked quicker. It is simply the statistics.
Well, enough with my two cents! I hope by sharing our story, this may help someone. Please keep the faith!
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| Re: waiting time [message #21166 is a reply to message #3601 ] |
Wed, 11 November 2009 06:57 |
cdpviola
Messages: 10
Registered: September 2009 |
Junior Member |
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Hi everyone,
I have some sad news to share... The match with our birthmother has disrupted. We are confused, angry and sad. I think mostly because our situation seems to be quite unique-- the birthmother has been lying to the social workers at great length. She has given birth to the baby, yet has continued to call in as if she has not. She made her hospital plan after she gave birth and wanted to set up a conference call with us. The only reason they even found out was due to a note on her medical records that they wanted to confirm- it put her situation outside our APQ, so they wanted to confirm this information with the doctor's office before they let us know about it. They received the medical records on Tuesday (yesterday). When the birthmother specialist called her doctor's office, she found out at that time she had given birth last Wednesday by C-section and had been discharged over the weekend. The birthmother specialist could not even believe what she heard so she verified this with the hospital- the birthmother went to a different hospital than the one she had indicated previously. The birthmother had called into the agency on Monday morning to set-up the hospital plan and to try to work out a conference call with us for today. At this time, the birthmother is not even aware that we all know she has lied to us. All of the social workers at American Adoptions have been just as shocked as we were. This is not the norm of what they see and are going to try to get some answers from this woman. Both so they can learn from this situation and so that we can move on. My husband and I feel that this woman never had the intention of ever placing her baby and that she was trying to take advantage of us. Normally, when a match fails, according to the adoption specialists, the birthmother will either tell the social workers they have changed their minds or they will simply cut off communication. The fact that she continued communication is what is so strange.
Thank God American Adoptions protects the money we put into adoptions during a match. I know at another agency or through a facilitator, this would not be the case and we would lose our money. As far as we know, none of the money was at risk and what might be at risk at this stage is very minimal. And, contrary to what this birthmother may or may not have believed, we would not have been able to afford to reactivate and adopt if our money had been lost.
Do I believe all birthmothers are like this? Absolutely not. My aunt was a birthmother. By and large, birthparents are people who really do want their child's best interest at heart. Am I right to feel hurt and angry? Of course I am! We put so much time, energy and love into this match that it feels like we have "lost" our baby. If she has simply decided to parent without all the lying we would have been hurt, but would have accepted it and understood. What she did was calculating and malicious. However, if we let this woman hurt us further by waiting to go active, she will have stolen time from us as well as everything else. We simply will not allow her to hurt us further. Do we wonder if there was something about us that she targeted? I do, my husband doesn't. He believes that she simply picked one couple out of her stack of profiles. I really think that she picked us because we were so far away. She is Arizona, we are in North Carolina. Has she stolen my hope for a child? Yes and no. After dealing with infertility, it's almost like I am used to being disappointed and yes, I have become jaded. I am positive most of the adoptive parents can relate to this. But no, I still hope that it will work out in the end.
In the end, I feel most compassion for her child. Not because we aren't able to raise her, but because she will be raised by a person who has something seriously sick inside her- someone that does not understand ethical behavior and someone that will act maliciously for her own gain without any care or concern for others around her.
I hope everyone out there is doing well in their wait. We will be right there alongside you all hoping for the best.
Chrissie
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